Biscuit B@#%*

When you find yourself on a liquor fueled whirlwind concert trip to a city like Seattle food is not usually the first thought that comes to mind. But food is a necessity that fills a void that booze just can't and after the epic failure that was my Friday night the ache in my belly needed to be filled before the sour sick tentacle-like grips of a Four Loco hangover took hold. Enter Biscuit Bitch

Now I have always maintained that I am a sucker for a clever, witty or otherwise over the top marketing campaign so when Shawn, Jason, Mike and myself trundled our way down 1^st ave near Pike Place thumbing our noses at the cafes and hip eateries we all stopped short outside of a small storefront where the a curse word features prominently in name and on menu. Being that all men are effectively 12 year olds with jobs and body hair we of course find the idea of cursing in public venues to be mix of taboo and hilarity on par with dick punching.

This is how you get the attention of still half drunk men in Seattle

BiscuitBitch. The name elicited a number of thoughts, such as, “Get me a...” Or perhaps an answer to, What is that? "It's a...” Or worse a huge doughy woman covered In flour hair pulled back flecks of spittle on her lip from yelling at staff, "Who is that I would stammer...?”

“That... Is the Biscuit Bitch”

A boozy shudder ran the length of my body, surely this store would not have the balls to have shaved a chimp and have it on display for the masses to gawk at, but I pressed thought from my mind as I stared at the photos of the food available inside.

As we entered I saw that the small space was dominated by an espresso machine and a long display case showing off the usual cafe pastries and fare. At the rear of the space a small electric range was attended to be a diminutive Latina. “I was much less concerned about the threat of a Biscuit Bitch now. We waited in line as the barista took orders. The menu only held 11 items all based around a biscuit covered in gravy and then topped with a selection of other foods and condiments. I ordered the $11 “Hot Mess Bitch” which was the aforementioned Biscuit and Gravy with spicy smoked sausage, cheddar cheese jalapenos egg and grits.

Grits!? I'd never tried them before as I hadn't been to the Southern US nor to anywhere in Canada that served them. I knew grits where a corn based dish similar in consistency to creme of wheat or oatmeal and here I got to try them in Seattle of all places.

The Hot Mess Bitch

We seated ourselves at the only table in the place, a small booth that the four of us settled into cramped but cozy. I sipped black coffee that was completely fine, as most is in Seattle and waited for my food to be ready.

Within 6 or 7 minutes I had in front of me a weighty slop of biscuit and gravy; meat and egg, jalapenos and cheese melted on top and a load of grits rounding out what was at least a pound of food. The first bite was hot and immediately my mouth lit up from the jalapeno and sausage combination. The sausage was salty and not really amazing but mixed with the soft biscuit and thick viscous grits it worked, coating my stomach and silencing the rumble that the coffee had elicited. So, grits... They are kinda bland and seemed to mostly by filler. These had the consistency and flavor of spackle or gritty drywall mud but they seemed to be more of a bulking agent than something you might eat on it's own (much like spackle). But then again what does my ignorant ass know. Shawn had the “Cheesy Pork n Bitch” which substituted the sausage for a mess of bacon. Yes please. The others all had Hot Messes and no one was able to finish the massive portion.

Cheesy Pork n' Bitch

Feeling somewhat satiated I got up to use the facilities. I walked to the back and asked the cook where the washroom was. She replied that they had no washroom and that they had to walk to Pike Place Market to do their business. I've been all over the world and I think this is one of the only times I have found a restaurant that has no washroom. Strike 3 Seattle, time to get the fuck outta dodge but it's a good thing you have great biscuits because I will one day forget my misadventures in your town and return. Until then...

Eat well,

Willie

* * *

Next time: Vancouver tries to have a little fun with Food Carts...


* * *